Tag Archives: PTSD

Discovering My Passion #2 of 27

The first of 27 questions asked to determine my passion by Scott Dinsmore was answered yesterday by me. I found that question really easy to answer because not too many things makes me filled with happiness or excites me. After some reflection, I considered the idea the reason for this was me living a life devoid of really trying new things to see if they excite me. I can’t assume skydiving could not excite me. I only know it does not excite me. I will take that new understanding under consideration while I continue the process of discovering my passion.

Question #2 of the 27 questions was scary when I first read it. I considered even skipping it and coming back to it later. However, I decided not to because it kinda felt like cheating and I did not want to risk answering it being critical to getting right final answer.

The scary question is, “What do you do that makes you feel invincible?” As a person who has been diagnosed with PTSD, Manic Depression and claustrophobia, I could not imagine ever feeling invincible. Superheroes are invincible. I, on the other hand, am well aware of my vulnerability.

I know lack of sleep and regular routine has the potential to endure an episodic of Mania and/or the fatigue will lower the ability to tune out/recognize the negative voices in my head. Therefore, I have to try and make sure I get rest and stick to a routine.

But even though I try, I do fail at times and knowing means I have to advise those I come into regular contact with of my mental health issues and ask for forgiveness in advance if I am not my normal self. Even if I do that, some people are unable to understand and call me too sensitive and emotional. I understand though because, unless you have voices in your head screaming your lazy, stupid and good for nothing at the same time an actual person asks you why didn’t you get what they needed quickly, a person is clueless why that simple question can make a person cry and ready to fight at the same time.

I understand why some people could find dealing with a person too much to deal with. A person can only deal with so much crazy no matter how nice the normal side of you may be. Crap, I’ve found me so hard to deal with I have tried multiple times to kill myself. Thankfully, it’s been almost 10 years since my last attempt.

I attribute my current run of being suicidal attempt free to my efforts of seeing things from other people’s point of view and trying not to get my thoughts on what I need and what I want. Though, I have to admit I indulge in my occasional pity parties. However, where once I thought I was not entitled to express my feelings and felt guilty when I did, now I know different and not having the guilt shortens the pity party considerably.

I suppose if I equated invincibility with a Superhero I’d be Ironman. I’m a human who was smart enough to build armor and weaponized it to defend myself against harm as I live my life trying to what was needed to protect those I love and myself.

In conclusion, I feel invincible when I am Ironman.